(Knee) Defender

 

We live in difficult times. Mass poverty has produced a nation of perpetual grumps who will fly off the handle in a matter of seconds. And now a hare-brained inventor is going to compound the misery for everyone else. His invention prevents the offending seat from fully reclining. Fantastic! Conversely, the airlines should install wrestling mats and let the quarreling parties go at it in no-holds-barred matches. In-flight entertainment deluxo!

What's happened to the world? Has it become a planet full of Grumps? Where is the tolerance and the live-and-let live attitude? The Grumps should relax by scavenging their vintage/pawn shops for classic video games like Midway's Defender. Warm memories will bubble to the surface. Classic. Any disagreement will be easily resolved with such a game. Bragging rights will be an added bonus.

Stop this pettiness and get on with helping our fellow man. Tough times require Good People to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. No one has time for small arguments and childish disagreements. Knee Defender....(sigh). Truthfully, those airline seats should never recline as far as they do. The author has been subject to inconsiderate passengers as well(and at a height of 6'2, no less). A tolerant nature and a thick skin ensured flights without incidents.

 Passengers have long become accustomed to being packed like sardines into a shabby aluminum can. It's hard to believe that flying used to a pleasurable experience that was reserved for the affluent and well-to-do. There were no TSA agents fondling children or the elderly back then.

Instead of Knee Defender...Midway Defender. Resolve disagreements through spirited challenges in Centipes, Ms. Pacman, Asteroids, etc.,. Good-natured competition is the antidote for petty disagreements.

Make sure to explore the rest of the blog for a further discussion on health, fitness, diabetes prevention, the Grumpiness Index, and the status of Fine Arts, the decline of the Empire. New material is being posted every day as inspiration strikes. Occasionally widgets and banners will appear and disappear, text will appear out of place. A work in progress is in effect and a refined product will result shortly. All readers are invited to read, comment and offer suggestions. Defender. Defend her.

How to Record Your Band

With some careful planning you too can record your rock band. You can become the Rockstar that you've always wanted to be. 

There are few things more rewarding or more stressful than seeing your music gradually come together in the studio. It's the greatest feeling in the world being able to hand anyone a cd while imploring them to "check out my band." The sense of accomplishment is very powerful. Recording is a key area where a rock band can really hone its chops and demonstrate its songs to best advantage. 

But before the band can walk the red carpet and parade its platinum records, it must spend a good while in the studio. 

It should be noted here that a studio can be any place that the band feels best captures its vibe-it doesn't have to be The Record Plant or Sugarhill Studios. With all the advances being made in recording software, soundcards and peripheral devices, it becomes completely possible to realize professional results within the confines of the group’s living room. 

Where do we begin? Before we begin, one person in the band will typically become the designated recording engineer/producer. This person will usually be the most knowledgeable about recording, comparatively speaking, that is. This role defaults to the keyboardist 99.9% of the time. Why? Keyboardists have become used to reading endless manuals on midi, keyboards, modular synths, recording software and the list goes on. These gentlemen are most often the most musically accomplished chaps in the band. Naturally they wind up doing all the grimy recording, mastering, tweaking etc.,. Nevertheless, before we even begin to think about recording we must do the following:

1. Instruct the drummer to replace all the drum heads, to tune them and to sufficiently lubricate all the moving parts of the kick drum pedal and the hi-hat. There's nothing more annoying than having a perfectly good drum take being ruined by a squeaky kick drum pedal. 
2. Instruct the bassist and the guitarist(s) to restring their instruments and to sufficiently break them in so that they stay in tune during the recording sessions. Also, have the guitarists replace the batteries on their pedals, and the tubes on their amps where necessary.
3. Instruct the keyboardist/programmer to finalize his midi patches/sequences and ask how many tracks he will require for his associated gear-keyboards, samplers, drum machines.
4. Discuss the choice of microphones with the vocalist, if possible. This is where experimentation is critical. The vocalist may use a Shure sm58 by habit but he might be surprised by the results of singing through an Oktava, for example. It's important to note here that most recording hobbyists will not have access to a Neumann U87 or other high-end professional tube mics; they'll typically employ Shure sm58s and 57s, Oktava, Audio Technica, and AKG microphones.
5. Finally and most importantly, in our new capacity as recording engineers we instruct the band to methodically rehearse the songs that it intends to record. The band can be proactive here-it can record all its rehearsal sessions and discuss what needs more work after collectively listening to the performances. 

After all these steps are followed the band will be ready to step into the studio and record its soon-to-be chart-topping songs(hopefully). We proceed to have the drummer set up his kit in a sound-proof room (relatively speaking). We place foam and/or plush carpeting on all the walls so as to prevent sound waves from reflecting and bouncing all over the place-we want to avoid phase cancellation. 

Next we place an appropriate kick drum mic( AKG D112 or Rode NT1, NT2 etc.) inside the kick drum along with an oversized pillow. We then proceed to place two overhead mics (Left and Right) and we angle them downward so that they can capture the sound of the toms. The choice of overheads is as endless as the stars in the sky but you really can't go wrong using a pair of Rode NT1s or NT2s. They're that good. For the snare we can use our workhorse Shure sm57. With this setup the drumkit is pretty much covered although I'm sure the purists will always clamor for more mics. 

Next we move on to record the bass guitar-a relatively straightforward affair, comparatively speaking. Most bass amps, thankfully, offer a plethora of options when it comes to recording the bass signal. Usually we'll have a direct out, a cabinet simulator and a pre and post eq output. This is all pretty cool because as recording engineers we always want options. The standard procedure for a lot of producers is to route the direct out from the bass amp into high end preamps such as an Avalon, Universal Audio and Focusrite. We will place a full-range mic (Electro Voice RE 20) directly in front of the speaker cone, off-axis and about 2-3 inches back from the speaker. 

We will position 3 microphones on the speaker. Why?  We achieve the ideal eq curve from the mics and not from the mixer or the various plug-ins. In this manner if we require a sharper attack we raise the gain on the mic directly in front of the speaker and if we require more bass we attenuate this same mic and increase the gain on the off-axis mic. 

We set up to record the guitars in a similar fashion as we recorded the bass. This means that we look for pre-amp outputs and cabinet simulators on the back of the guitar amps. Ideally we record the direct outs AND the signals from the microphones.

 In the past this was not always possible because after a while you started running out of tracks but nowadays this is no longer a consideration, thankfully. One of the key things in recording amps is having another bandmate as a second engineer to move the mics around in order to achieve the "right" sound. 

Recording keyboards is a pretty simple affair-keyboardists always insist on a surplus of inputs. As long as inputs are available for them (along with a click-track or SMPTE timecode) then they're pretty happy. 

We now focus on the vocals. This is where patience is the name of the game. This is where we experiment with all the mics and preamps at our disposal unless the vocalist has a stated preference. We'll usually instruct the singer to stand and sing upwards into the mic-the mic being placed 3-4 inches above the vocalist's head. This position allows the mic to capture the maximum power and projection of the voice-this is the ideal position. 

Standard procedure dictates that condenser microphones will be used. Condenser mics are ideal here-they pick up all the nuances of the vocalist's voice. Dynamic mics, by contrast are designed to be solid, tough and roadworthy performers. Suitable microphones are: Electro Voice RE20( a dynamc mic), AKG 414, AKGC3000, Rode NT1, NT2 and even our old pal, the Shure Beta sm58. Another important aspect of recording vocals is utilizing a decent mic preamp. Some solid performers here would be ART, Presonous and M-Audio. You don't have to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars for a decent mic preamp-you can achieve professional results with the aforementioned brands.

After we finish recording our tracks we then turn them over to a mixdown engineer-a new set of ears, hopefully. If the same people will be involved in the mixdown process it is ideal to take a few days off-a necessary breather. The ideal circumstance here is for someone with fresh ears to listen to the mix and make corrections wherever anomalies are present. This person, a producer typically, will instruct the engineer on the choice of compressors, time-domain effects(reverbs, delays), Autotune, plug-ins etc.,. 

This situation is typical with a signed band. In most small recording studios the engineer will finalize the recording project and the results will usually be good enough to help a record label decide whether or not it wants to invest in the band. This topic will be discussed in more detail in another installment. 

Home Training vs. Joining a Gym

The allure of modern gyms can be hard to resist, no? What are the pros and cons? Let us examine the obvious disadvantages of gym membership. One of the biggest drawbacks of training at a commercial gym is the time required to drive to the gym. Sometimes one spends more time driving to the gym than actually working out. Next on the list is the money spent on gas. And let's not discuss the sizable down payments that some gyms require, not to mention the monthly dues... It quickly becomes obvious that it is totally possible to spend close to $1,000 a year or more on the associated gym fees and the fuel expense. For many the sum is exorbitant, especially in the recessionary environment. What to do then?


The obvious answer  is to build a home gym. A small amount of research and price comparison will be necessary, to be sure. Often the devoted trainee will cobble together a gym, gradually adding equipment as his knowledge and development increase. A sensible approach. Consequently, it becomes unnecessary to run out and purchase  an expensive new-fangled home gym behemoth. Better to be content with incremental improvement.


The trainee in time will realize gradual but definite improvement in his/her fitness goals. At this juncture new equipment will most likely re-enter the picture. The object of desire will consist of a dumbell rack with weights ranging from ten pounds all the way up to the big hundreds. The plot thickens. Not surprisingly, most home gyms reside in the basement or the garage, or the mancave.


What is the significnce? Is it sheer lunacy spending several hundreds of dollars on assorted gym implements? It's a hell of a way to impress your pals at the Lodge, that's for sure. The purchase of new equipment can often(not always, though) lead to more consistent usage and a higher level of fitness as a result. Bragging rights will be an added bonus.


The biggest disadvantage of owning a home gym is the necessity of periodically moving the equipment if the lifter is an apartment dweller. This is a non-issue for home owners (lucky bastards!).  It's no fun climbing a flight of stairs with a 130 lb. barbell on your shoulders...several times. Thankfully, it isn't too difficult to trick friends and family into helping with most moves. Usually.


Another big disadvantage of training alone in one's home gym is the lack of a spotter. This is probably why serious weightlifters always join a gym. A training partner who's really pumped up about lifting will usually bring out the best in the fitness enthusiast. If your partner is benching 3 plates and you're only able to press 2, there's a pretty good chance that you'll close the gap shortly. Also, you can pick up alot of advanced training methods at a commercial gym and increase your progress as a result.


The home trainee will have to be informed, disciplined and highly motivated if he desires to extract maximum utility from his equipment. Otherwise the equipment will become a not-so-gentle reminder of a bad investment. Many devotees have thoughtlessly purchased ab rollers, medicine balls, soloflexes etc., with the intention of acquiring that six-pack just in time for summer. The devices eventually end up collecting dust in the closet or in the garage. All can be avoided with a little bit of follow-through and discipline.


Money  spent on a home gym is a great investment. A trip to the local gym will add variety to be sure. Unfortunately commercial gyms are packed like sardines from 5-10 pm. Upper body anything will be out of the question. It seems hopeless. Unless  training lower body, that is. Very few people are inclined to perform any lower body exercises. They'll learn.


Join a gym or train at home? Train at home, hands down. The great thing about it is that one could build the gym gradually. Dumbells were procured ranging from 20 lbs. to 60 lbs. More equipment can be  added, as space allows. Training at one's own gym is the most logical choice.

Marketing and Women: Critical Factors

 Who are the world’s most powerful consumers? Are they the millionaires? The CEOs of the Blue Chip companies?  Rap stars? They are none of the above. Women are the world’s most powerful consumers. They make up just over fifty percent of the population and more important, they control well over half of the spending. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. They’re responsible for most purchases: Household spending, corporate purchasing, and small businesses expenditures. 

Let us again examine a woman’s purchasing power: she shops for herself, for her husband and for her kids. A woman is the gatekeeper to the domestic checkbook.
Consider how men and women differ in their shopping habits: typically, when a man goes shopping he knows exactly what he wants, heck, he practically runs to the aisle! He pays for the purchase and he’s out of there as quickly as possible. For a man, going shopping is similar to going to the doctor-something to be avoided at all costs. The only time that a man deliberates is when he’s checking out the circular saws at the local hardware store, but otherwise, habit dictates that he abscond as quickly as possible.

Now let us examine a woman’s approach to shopping. When a woman is doing her shopping she compares several items carefully, slowly going up and down an aisle several times if necessary. She’ll not hesitate to ask the salespeople questions (something a man would never do) as she considers her choices. A woman will spend hours pushing a shopping cart around and comparing seemingly unrelated items. It’s easy to see that women are far and away the more educated of the two genders.
Nevertheless, most large companies persist in focusing their marketing efforts toward men.

Why, you ask? Perhaps these same companies still believe that the man works and the woman stays home and raises the children. This premise would be true if it were the 1920s but unfortunately it’s almost a century past the Jazz Age. New times require new approaches to selling products to women.
The key to creating marketing programs that will ensure women’s continued loyalty is to understand what women value.

Often, what they value is different from what men value. The things that men find interesting or important just don’t seem to elicit the same reaction from women. With men you have to paint with broad paint strokes-reduce something to its bare essence. The simpler the better. Women, on the other hand, want details, and plenty of them. You have to appeal to all the senses as much as possible, as if you can touch it, taste it, hear it, see it, or smell it. For women it’s all about the details.

Women often purchase items based on criteria that, for men, would be totally irrelevant. Let us consider cell phones for example. A man will base his purchasing decision on whether a given cell phone has GPS capability, whether it has sufficient memory for a sizable mp3 library and whether it’s easy to use with games. These criteria can be important to women but equally important will be the color of the phone, its size and texture. Does the phone look too bulky in their front pocket? What about roaming charges? It becomes clear that women have much longer lists of requirements that need to be met before a purchase is made.

In conclusion, to appeal to women it becomes critically important to:

·         include as much background as possible-details! Sum everything up with a powerful conclusion

·         Focus on people as beneficiaries of a product

·         Focus on creating a sense of closeness and belonging

·         Embrace the older demographic

·         Show some emotion

·         Describe the warranties and support hotlines in detail

Verdict: The New Google Maps Suck

The new Google Maps suck. Why can't Google just leave things as they are: if the software works fine then leave it alone!!!!! How hard is that to comprehend. But I'm sure all the nerds just feel compelled to go in and modify, adjust, upgrade etc.,. This is what's wrong with the world -we don't know how to leave things alone when they're working fine.

OK, so here's how you revert to the "old" Google Maps: Go to Google Maps. Look at the bottom right of the page where you'll notice the zoom widget. At the far left you'll notice a bubble with a question mark. Click on that. Then click on "Return to Classic Google Maps." There you go. Thank God for small victories.

Kick Diabetes Right in the Rear

Pretty nice view, eh? Yeah it must be nice. The sister and  her husband went on a nice cruise and he snapped some really fantastic photos along the way. The photo strongly resembles a Bob Ross painting.

In the last blog the topic of Diabetes was briefly introduced. The author is becoming alarmed at the growing number of Americans that are falling prey to this avoidable malady. Much-needed research was fueled by prodigious amounts of tea(no sugar, thank you). The articles mention the danger of sugar, junk food, bad carbs and the  sedentary lifestyles that include the seated posture for extended periods of time(duh!).

The next culprit was diet, of course. The author's diet was re-examined and found to be severely deficient: breads, pies, pizzas, cookies, churros ...Diabetes would surely strike if no corrective actions were taken. Thankfully, the ship changed course dramatically and smooth sailing resulted. Unfortunately, junk food carbs are fattening, they raise blood sugar levels and they affect hormonal levels. Rats! Check out this new book-the material could literally save your life. It's only natural that all the things we love come back to bite us in the rear.

Keeping that in mind, many of the recommendations offered in the research have proven highly beneficial. For example, apple cider vinegar and its odoriferous glory now augments the diet... The bitter drink reduces inflammation, blood pressure, improves sleep etc.,. The product smells awful and the taste is not much better. A slow start is in order here.

Another product that is being consumed is rye bread. Very odd: a bonafide bread! Something to do about phytoestrogens and all that and an increase in Testosterone levels. Very interesting.. In no time at all a pair of 20-inch arms will be displayed to the amazement and horror the apartment dwellers. Belief and disbelief.

Another of the ideas presented was the recommendation that fruits and vegetables should become a large component of a diet. Tomatoes, avocados, sweet potatoes, broccoli. Plant-based products are to receive a larger emphasis now. Make waves.

The last variation is the elimination of refined sugar from the diet. A good many folks encounter failure and setback at this critical juncture.  Dietary boot camp becomes the order of the day. Hand-to-hand combat is necessary to defeat Diabetes and all its associated problems. Tea and coffee are presently taken without sugar, thank you. The author is currently engaged in a competition of sorts, termed Diabetes Challenge 2014, with his brother. The gentle reader is encouraged to participate if for no other reason than vanity.Victory is assured-updates will follow. Stay cranky.

Cookie Monster

Allright, so I finally did it-I made that Oatmeal Raisin cookie that I've been meaning to get around to. I must say that my baking skills are coming together rather nicely. Anyways, the recipe came out pretty good if I say so myself. I stumbled onto the recipe at: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/oatmeal-raisin-cookies-i/.  Go check them out.

I usually prefer a light desert after and this, I think, fits the bill quite nicely. While cooking may not be perceived as a real macho activity like hunting or bass fishing, it takes a great deal of work to create pizzas, breads,and cookies etc., from scratch. It's not as cool as climbing Mt Everest but I can only do what I do.


I hope the folks at allrecipes are cool with me reprinting their excellent recipe.
                                               

                                                            

Ingredients
Original recipe makes 4 dozen Change Servings

    3/4 cup butter, softened
    3/4 cup white sugar
    3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
    2 eggs
    1 teaspoon vanilla extract
    1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
    1 teaspoon baking soda
    3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    2 3/4 cups rolled oats
    1 cup raisins

Directions

   1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).

   2.In large bowl, cream together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar
     until smooth. Beat in the eggs and vanilla until fluffy. Stir together
     flour, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Gradually beat into butter mixture.
     Stir in oats and raisins. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets.

   3.Bake 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden brown.
     Cool slightly, remove from sheet to wire rack. Cool completely.


Allright, there you have it-do a little bit of cooking and make yourself useful. Just be careful or you may find that a gym membership has become an important necessity. And take special care if you contend with diabetes. In the meantime go check this out: Erase Diabetes  Stay cranky.

Crankshaft

There sure is a lot to be cranky about. Times are tough all over: the Recession, unemployment, inflation, they cancelled your favorite cable show. Yeah it sucks. There's plenty to be cranky about, we might as well make the best of it.

For some reason photos always lift my spirits.The photo to the left depicts a slightly overcast sky over the apartments. The access gate makes the run-down apartments look like a prison, which they are. The shabby place bears a strong resemblance to a Siberian labor camp. Papa Stalin would approve. The site is often mistaken for a municipal correctional facility. A lot of grumpy people call themselves residents. Can anyone blame them?

One of the best antidotes for the grumps is cooking skills. One of the downfalls of bachelorhood  is the aspect of cooking, or lack thereof. Two extremes exist: the thin man and the epicurean. Eventually one is compelled to buckle down and cook properly. Ramen noodles are done away with permanently and respectable dishes are introduced.  But gradually respectable cooking is becoming the order of the day(pizzas, mostly) so that I may enjoy some variety in my meals.

                                            
                                                                                Stay Cranky.